1. YnaKi - An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: "Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?" Contestant: "Ahmm. .. ..Huling Hapunan?"
2. Idlepsych - It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: "Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff!"
3. Myckle Mouse - In Wowowee, the question was: "Kung ang 'sigaw' ay 'shout' sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang 'whisper'?" The contestant answered: "Napkin!"
4. Dongster - While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: "Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh!"
5. No name - My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: "Imagine mo kung di ginawa 'tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?"
6. Ker - My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: "Miss, puwedeng take out?"
7. Loipogi - Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: "Please watch 'The Life Story of Julie Vega', opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November."
8. Frederique - In a burger joint I heard a man say: "Miss, isa ngang 'amusing' aloha at saka 'kidney' meal." Server: "Dine in po ba or to go?" The man answered: "Ayoko ng sago!"
9. No name - I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: "Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet." And she replied: "Ano po, solo o litro?" (coke is it)
10. Marissa - My friend said: "Ang galing 'no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!"
11. Jasmin - A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: "Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, 'Hesus and Company.'"
12. No name - While watching "Apollo 13", after she heard the line: " Houston , we have a problem." My ex-girlfriend asked: "Sino si Houston ?"
13. Dukeman - My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: "Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng 'autistic' guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?"
14. No name - We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?" Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!"
15. Ardiepot - Also in a gameshow. Host: "Ano sa Tagalog ang 'teeth'?" Contestant: "Utong!"
16. Missy Ricat - I once heard an emcee say: "Let's give her a warm of applause!"
17. Epoy - One classmate in highschool said, "Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!" I corrected him and said, "luminous!" Then he replied, "Oo nga pala, plural!"
18. No name - Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!" Pasahero: "Boss, Cubao?"
19. Jen - Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: "Anong 'P' ang Tagalog ng 'storey' o 'floor' ng building?" Contestan: "PIP PLOR!" HAHA! Mam mila ikaw ba yan!?!
20. No name - An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: "Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko 'wala akong kasama'"
21. Rome - I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: "It's a 4-digit number." He answered, "Uhm 'ROCKY'?"
22. Slowbyslow - I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: "One cup of chino please."
23. Eve - An officemate once asked: "Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?"
24. Asht - I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din! It's the color of the day!"
25. Ruby - My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: "Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!" I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, "Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!"
26. No name - When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, "Hey, I got a missed call!" My friend said, "Anong sabi?"
27. Jonalou22 - From the gameshow "The Weakest Link". Host Edu Manzano asked: "Anong 'T' ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?" Ian Veneracion answered: "TUKLI!"
28. Joeygirl - We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, "Hala, brownout!" Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.
29. Eliteblood - A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I already changed your monthly period."
30. Draco's Biatch - A home economics teacher asked us: "How do you make wet floor and tow duff?" Translation: "How do you make wheat flour and tough dough".
32. Loi Pogi - Melanie Marquez: "Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa."
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Silven - Husband: "Luv promise, simula ngayon iiwan ko na ang mga kabit ko." Wife: "Wow, thank you luv! Ako naman I promise, ang next nating anak, ikaw na ama!"
Joel Paul - "Never explain yourself to anyone because the person who likes you doesn't need it, and the one who dislikes you won't believe it, & the one who doesn't care about you won't care what you say."
Krisvan - "Nanonood ako ng mga ants na naglalakad sa wall. Kahit busy sila, they still stop and communicate. Sana tayo ring mga tao, we could be more like the ants - naglalakad sa walls!"
No name - Dumating yung ngongo sa bahay nila at tinakpan niya ang mata ng misis nya. Ngongo: "Nges oo?" Wife: "Buwisit 'to, 'nges oo, nges oo' ka pa diyan, eh ikaw lang naman ang ngongo dito!"
Josie/Tata - "Dear GOD, please don't lead me into temptation…I already know the way"
ms_mo - A playboy died. During the mass: Priest: "He's an honest guy, a good husband and a family man!" Wife: (whispered to her son) "Anak, tignan mo nga baka di na si papa mo yung nakaburol."
SPY SHADOW - 4 job applicants were asked: "What is the fastest thing in the world?" The German said, "Thought". The American said, "A blink of an eye". The Aussie said, "Light". The Pinoy said, "Diarrhea!" Pinoy: "Lit mi eksplin. Dis murning, I hab istumak ek, I run to di tuylet but bipor I kud tink, blenk, or eben swits on di lyt, tangna, der was syet en my pants olridi, su past!"
No name - 1) "Aanhin mo ang gwapo, kung mas malandi pa sa 'yo?" 2) "Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare." 3) "Sa hinaba-haba ng prosisyon, bading din pala ang magiging karelasyon." 4) "Matalino man ang bading, napeperahan pa rin." 5) "Ang di marun0ng magmahal sa sariling wika, sa callcenter naglipana."
bi-b0n - "Virginity is neither a sign of purity nor dignity. It's a sign of a lack of opportunity."
Gela - BATA: "Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo! Lahat nalang ng gawin ko mali! Di nyo na ako mahal!" AMA: "Nagkakamali ka anak…" BATA: "Syet, mali nanaman ako!"
No name - Woman with sick baby went to the clinic. Doctor: "Is he bottlefed?" Woman: "Breastfed po, doc." (Doctor starts squeezing the woman's nipples) Doctor: "That's why he's sick, you're not producing milk." Woman : "Yaya lang ako, doc! YAYA!"
Linsauke - Celebrity quote: "Noodle! Noodle! NOODLE!!!" - Manny Pacquiao on "Deal or No Deal".
No name - DOC: "Hubad na iha, wag kang matakot. I will not take advantage of you, general check-up lang 'to." GIRL: "Saan ko po ilalagay ang panty ko?" DOC: "Diyan lang sa tabi ng brief ko…"
Yñaki - News Flash: "Snow White, thrown out of Disneyland! She pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face and shouted, 'Lie, you bastard, lie!'"
Errol/Alle - If asked, "Kumusta sexlife?" Ang tamang sagot, "Eto, self-supporting."
Xtian Aguilera - "Sana radyo ka nalang, para pag naririnig kitang kumanta, puwede kitang patayin."
Loi Pogi - From a gay admirer: "Roses are red, pickles are green, I like your legs, and the cucumber in between."
Jedi Master: "Beauty is only superfical. It's the character that makes a pers0n who they really are" - motto yan ng mga PANGET!
Roben - In a coffee shop, an attractive lady was having a drink. A guy walked up to her & said: "Bond…James Bond." She looked up & answered: "Lost…Get Lost."
SPY SHADOW - "Whenever you are stressed and about to give up, remember: 'stressed' is just 'desserts' spelled backwards - so it's just a piece of cake!"
Ian024 - TITSER: "Who can give an example of a tag question?" PUPIL: "My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?" TITSER: "Very good! Itagalog mo nga!" PUPIL: "Si ma'am ay maganda, hindi naman diba?"
ALLE - "Ang boses mo, parang ibon. Ang sarap tiradurin!"
Enihs - "Math tells us 3 of the saddest love stories. Tangent lines who had 1 chance to meet and then parted forever. Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. And asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together."
Bh0w - Pinaka common mistake ng isang girl during a job interview ay ang pagsagot ng… "KAHIT ANUNG POSISYON PO SIR, BASTA MAKAPASOK LANG."
Dreamweaver - MMDA (w/ pen & ticket) to traffic violator: "Name?" Foreign Driver: "Wilhelm von Corgrinski Papakovitz." MMDA: Ah…sige…next time don't overspeeding again, ha?"
Bebang - "Tandaan mo anak ang batang sinungaling ay di na tatangkad, uusli ang ipin, liliit ang binti at tutubuan ng nunal sa mukha." - Diosdado Macapagal
Mabaysay - "Wouldn't it be cool and make more sense if the life cycle was all backwards? You should die 1st and get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get a silver watch and you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do booze, sex, you party, then you get ready for high school. You go to grade school. You become a kid, you play, you have no worries. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last 9 months floating. And you finish off as an orgasm."
Loipogi - "Rooster and cat goes over a bridge. Cat slips and falls in the river. Rooster can't stop laughing. The moral of the story: wherever there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock."
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